


Christian's Darling

by PonderRose



Category: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Fifty Shades of Grey - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Boys, Character Death, F/M, Falling In Love, High School, Light BDSM, Love, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Possessive Behavior, Protectiveness, Romance, Teen Romance, Tragedy, Tragic Romance, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-03 04:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17277497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PonderRose/pseuds/PonderRose
Summary: Before any of Christian's submissives, there was one who captured his heart. He never spoke of her but a day never passed when he didn't think of his Darling. Teenage Christian Grey x OC (reader)





	1. Amsterdam

'Anastasia never knew why Christian took a trip to Amsterdam every year- always on the same weekend. She never knew why he wore a silver bracelet with the letter D on it; why he adamantly refused to take it off. She never knew because Christian never told her- he never told anyone. That was his secret; she was his secret. Until the day he died, Christian never mentioned her, but he held her safe in his heart. There she stayed, safe and sound- his Darling.' 

Ten Years before Christian Met Anastasia: 

No One’s P.O.V.- 

Christian and his brother, Elliot, just stepped off the plane in Amsterdam; it had been a long flight from Seattle. While Elliot was excited to be out on his own for the first time, Christian had his reservations. “I don’t understand why Mom and Dad insisted we spend our last year of high school abroad,” he grumbled. The long plane ride had not agreed with him. Elliot grinned tossing his arm over his brother’s shoulder. “Come on, bro; this is great! We’re in Europe with no parental supervision. We can party as much as we want!” “You do know that Mom and Dad expect us to pass this year, right?” “Who says we can’t do both?” Elliot flashed a mischievous grin. “And besides, they let you bring your bike. What’s in Seattle that they don’t have better here?” Christian frowned at his brother clearly unimpressed. 

'Christian kept basic women like Anastasia as his submissives and girlfriends because she had enough personality for all of them.' 

Darling’s P.O.V.- 

“B-A-B-Y, baby!” I sang as I raced down the stairs of our flat. “I’m going to school, Uncle!” My voice rang down the hall to Uncle’s art studio. “Alright,” my beloved uncle emerged covered in paint, making me laugh. “What happened to the rain slickers I got you?” “They take away from the overall artistic experience. If one is willing to paint, one must be willing to get paint on his- or hers- clothes,” he recited like a quote from one of those wisdom books. This only made me laugh more. “Whatever you say; you are the artist of the family,” I then headed for the front door; Uncle followed me. 

“Today’s your first day of grade twelve, isn’t it? My, how time flies. I remember back when you were just a little girl moving to Amsterdam; now look at you, all grown up.” “Not quite yet. I’m still your little Darling for another year or so.” “Wonderful! Now, off to school you go.” “Ok, I’ll come straight home afterwards.” “Ok. Wait!” He suddenly perked up. “You’re not taking that rickety old bike, are you?” “Why? It works just fine.” “The brakes are shotty,” he countered. “They’re fine! Besides, we don’t have money for a new bike.” “You could ask your grandpa one for Christmas.” “Haha very funny, Uncle. I’m off to school; love you!” I waved as I ran out the door. “Love you more!” 

“School, school, going to school,” I sang to myself as I hurried down the front steps to my bike. My uncle and I lived in a flat in an apartment in downtown Amsterdam; we’d been there since I was eight. Uncle was your typical starving artist. Granted, he made enough to keep us downtown along the canals which is saying something, but we didn’t have much left. He scrimped and saved enough to get me a bike; a used bike. But I loved it regardless! It was blue- I had yet to paint it pink- with a few scrubbed out stickers on them. It was my loyal companion, considering I didn’t have a license or car. 

I rode my rickety bike down the cobblestone road beside the canal. Today was going to be a bright sunshiny day! I wore happily in my male cargo shorts and t-shirt. My school was a public-school right in the middle of downtown. Parking my bike on campus was easy; there were countless bike stalls. “Hey, Darling!” One of my friends hollered out to me in Dutch. “Hi Sara!” I called back. She was already with the rest of our friends, comprising a group of six. Yeah, this was going to be fun, I thought as I parked my bike in front of the main building. This was going to be a good year; something told me I was in for a very good year. 

The first day of school was pretty good. I was super lucky to have Sara, my best friend, in four of my six classes. Unfortunately for me, some other less desirable characters were also in my classes. Ajax perked up the moment I entered the room. “Hello there,” he chimed as I sat down at my desk. I did an inward eyeroll. “Hi, Ajax.” “Where were you all summer, gorgeous?” Oh boy, nice way to start off. “Brussels. You?” “Oh, you know; just hanging around. Hey, did you hear that I got a job?” “No, I missed that bit of information.” “Yeah, down at the shipyard. So now I can afford to take a certain someone out,” he flashed me a sly grin. 

Ajax; how does one describe such a man? Well, for one thing, he’s the most popular guy in school, coveted by practically every girl; every girl except one. Ajax was tall, dark, and handsome- you’re classic bad boy. Problem was that I wasn’t into bad boys. So he made every girl’s panties drop; that didn’t impress me. And yet, to my not-so-much surprise, the more I tried to avoid and push him away, the more “enchanted” Ajax became with me. Gees! Can’t he take a hint? I wasn’t interested and that wasn’t about to change. But noooooooo; that made me more desirable somehow. Ugh! It wasn’t flattering either; it was downright annoying. 

I rolled my blue eyes and shook my head. “How many times do I have say it? I’m not interested, Ajax- zero interest; zero.” The buff brute looked at me for a second before grinning to himself. I noticed his hand reach over to touch the hem of my t-shirt. “See? That’s what I love about you; you’re a challenge. I love the chase.” “Oh believe me, I know. And just FYI, I’m not a quest or something for you to chase after. I’m a human being who’s saying she’s not into you; you gotta respect my decision.” “There you go, with your “feminism” crap again.” “What did you say?!” I gasped scandalized. 

“She said no, Ajax,” Sara’s voice cut in. We turned to see her standing in front of my desk with her hands on her hips and tapping her foot. “It’s not even a hint anymore; it’s a billboard,” she reached down to take hold of my wrist. “Come on, Darls.” “Lucky for me, I never read those things!” He called out to us. “The nerve of that jerk!” Sara rolled her eyes dramatically as she pulled me out of the classroom. I didn’t say anything, watching the back of her. She never admitted it out loud, but I knew that even Sara had a slight crush on Ajax. And I didn’t blame her. If you were into bad boys, he was perfect for you. I knew she didn’t like to watch him “flirt” with me like that, especially when I wasn’t into it. That was part of the annoyance she expressed to Ajax whenever he came crawling around me or our group; I could see it clear as day. And to make her feel better, I brought her outside so we could sit in the sunshine, just like how we used to when we were little. 

We laughed and cloud-watched; something we both enjoyed. “Oh, oh! That one looks like a butterfly.” “And that one looks like a hippo.” Sara laughed then sighed softly. “You think this year will be good, Darls?” “I don’t think; I know.” “Oh really? How?” “Don’t know,” I giggled in admission. “I can just feel it. Something feels good inside me.” “Huh,” Sara’s eyes went from me back up to the endless bright blue sky. “I hope you’re right.” “Me too,” my smile grew. Still, somehow I knew……. I just knew.


	2. Accidental Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Christian have your first "meeting".

“Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,” I hummed excitedly while I rode down the street after school. And Uncle says this bike is dangerous. Ha! So not true; these brakes are fine. They’re fine……. I tried squeezing them as I started to go down a slope of the road. They’re fine? I started to blink alarmed as my bike didn’t slow down. Uh oh, I was now fully pressing the brakes now with no impact. Holy crap! My uncle was right; my brakes are not alright! And down I went as a result, faster and faster towards the canal at the bottom of the street. My eyes grew in horror as this young guy wearing a leather jacket started to walk in the direction I was riding towards. “Look out! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!” I cried in Dutch. The guy only had time to look up at me with a puzzled expression before the inviable happened. 

No One’s P.O.V.- 

Christian had just parked his bike by the road beside the canal and started to stroll aimlessly. Riding a motorcycle in Amsterdam was totally different than in Seattle, and he hated it. Looks like I’m not going to do much riding here, Christian grumbled in his mind. He walked with his hand dug into his jean pockets, completely unaware of his surroundings until a shrill caught his attention. “Look out! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!” His head turned to see a girl on a ratty bike zooming straight for him. He didn’t even have time to react; the clash was too sudden. Both shrieked as they went flying into the canal, bike and all. 

Darling’s P.O.V.- 

Oh my god, I hit him; I hit somebody! I instinctively let go of my bike as I swam up for a breath of air. Canal water was BAD! Brown and gross; pleasant enough to walk beside but horrid to swim in. It took me a second to remember that I wasn’t the only one in the water too. The coughing beside me instantly grabbed my attention and panic flooded me. “I am so sorry! Are you alright?” I tried and failed, to swim over to him. He coughed loudly before looking over at me.

“What’s wrong with you?! Didn’t you see me?” I guess he decided now was the best time to yell at me. “I’m sorry! My brakes didn’t work.” “Obviously,” he growled. Before I could say anything else, I suddenly felt a strong hand on my forearm pulling me towards the edge of the canal. It didn’t take long for me to realize that mystery man here was trying to get me out of the water. Wait, who asked him to do that? And he was strong too, whoever this guy was. He kept grumbling to himself like this was some big chore for him, giving me just enough time to remember my sad excuse for a bicycle. I felt him flinch as I unexpectedly pulled out of his grasp to go back into the deep end of the water. 

“What are you doing?!” I heard anger and concern in his tone. “My bike! I gotta get my bike!” I kept swimming. “Forget that hunk of junk!” Without warning, his broad hand reached for me again, this time taking the back of my t-shirt. Unluckily for me, it was a guy’s shirt meaning that he had more fabric to tug me back. “Come on, we gotta get out of this water,” he said in a lower voice. “No! Let go of me!” I began tossing and turning, desperately trying to escape his firm grip. “I’ve gotta get my bike! It’s my only one!” 

“Are you an idiot?! Wait, don’t answer that; I already know the answer,” I could practically feel his eyes roll. “You have to get out of this water! We’ve already been in here long enough!” “But I…….!” “Enough, just come on already!” Having enough of my “nonsense”, mystery man didn’t hesitate to give me one hard yank back at him. His arm wrapped around me like a snake and he climbed the emergency ladder still holding onto me. He dropped me onto the ground while he collapsed beside me, gasping for air himself. But his head did perk up as I gazed back at the water worriedly. “Don’t even think about it,” he growled, keeping one eye locked onto me. 

“My bike!” I kept gasping over and over. I can’t believe my bike is gone! “Forget it. That thing was a piece of crap anyways,” mystery man sat up, bending his knees so he could rest his elbows on them. I don’t know why but, in that moment, everything hit me like a title wave all over again as I came to comprehend that we were just tossed into the canal. “I am so sorry,” I pleaded with the guy. He looked about my age; maybe a year or two older. The nice leather jacket he had on was sobbing wet, not mention his jeans and nice biker shoes. Wait, biker? Ah, who cares; he’s soaked, I’m soaked, and we needed to deal with this fast. 

“Jesus,” mystery man finally got up to brush himself off. Then he turned down to me. “Here,” he said half-heartedly, offering me his hand. I took it, allowing him to pull me to my feet with ease. This gave me the chance to get my first good look at him. Tall, dark, and handsome; just like a certain someone, I knew. He was actually just as hot as Ajax, which meant that it didn’t do anything for me. Gorgeous as he was, he had this “bad boy” aura about him, especially with that leather jacket on. Still, at least he looked good soaking wet like that. 

“I’m sorry.” “Look, would you stop apologizing? I know you’re sorry,” he sounded exasperated. “Uh good, cause we need to go to the emergency room,” I winced. Oh boy, you should have seen the look he gave me. “What?” “Yeah, when falls into the canal, they need to go to the hospital. The water’s dangerous.” Mystery man glared at me like he didn’t know what to do next, other than maybe aside strangle me. The look on his face made me fret a little, afraid of what he would say or do to me. But after a minute of intense glaring, he let the heaviest sigh, running his hand over his face. 

“Fine, let’s go.” “What? You mean together?” I blinked at him incredulously. I thought he’d want to get away from me as soon as possible. “You think I was gonna go alone? Yes, together,” his growled in his husky voice; one which I’m sure would only deepen with age. “Uh, ok! Let’s go,” why not? Hopefully, he had insurance since he didn’t sound European. “Do you know the way?” He asked me, sounding like he was quickly losing his patience. “Yes! I mean yes, I think I do.” “You think?” “I know!” I corrected animatedly. He frowned unamused. “You sure? I mean it; I’m cold and wet and not in the best of moods.” Tell me about it. “I know; I’ve lived here for a very long time and been to the hospital before. I can get us there.” “Fine,” he nodded reluctantly, still frowning. “Lead the way.”


	3. Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Christian go to the hospital.

Mystery man didn’t say a word the whole walk to the hospital. We kept getting side glances and stares the entire way, not that it looked to bother him; or if it did, he didn’t show it. He simply wore the same firm expression consistently. We finally reached the hospital about half an hour later, still soaked to the bone. He let me enter first, following me straight to the emergency room’s front desk. The clerk looked at us and immediately understood, though she still had to ask I’m sure- which she did. 

“What happened?” She asked us in English. “Ask her,” mystery man motioned towards me. “Uh, well uh, I was riding my bike and my brakes were shot and um, we accidentally fell into the canal.” “I see, and how old are you?” “Seventeen,” the both of us answered in unison before glancing at each other surprised. “So you’re minors? Right, we’ll have to call your parents. Do you have a file with us?” “I do,” I replied. “No,” mystery man countered. “I’m from America; I’m on exchange for school.” Oh, well that explains it. “I see,” the clerk started to shuffle some papers. “Then we’ll have to contact your host school. What are your names?” She looked to me first; I guess I was easier to deal with. “Darling O’Connell.” “Alright,” she found my file in her system. “And you?” “Christian; Christian Grey.” “Ok, I’ll start a file for you; I’ll need the name of your school and parents. Here, you can fill out this form,” the clerk handed him a clipboard. “In the meantime, you two can have a seat in the waiting area. We’ll call you up when it’s your turn.” “Thank you,” we said again in unison, going to sit down. 

We sat down, side-by-side to my surprise. There was this silent lull with nothing but the news to fill the static air. Christian filled in the form and tossed the clipboard on the chair beside him. Then he sighed and ran his hand over his face before looking over at me; his eyes were softer this time. “My first night in Amsterdam and I’m spending it at the hospital.” “I’m so-……..” “You better not say “you’re sorry”.” “Well, I am,” I cracked a grin. To my utter bewilderment, he actually mirrored my expression, grinning lightly. 

“So, America? Where in America are you from?” “Seattle.” “And you’re here on exchange?” “With my brother, yeah; we flew in this morning.” “Wow, that must have been a fun flight,” I chuckled. His head gave a little shake. “I like to fly, only if its short.” “I don’t blame you; I hate long flights myself. Got super sick on the last one I took.” It’s about now that I noticed that Christian was looking at me; just looking. No anger, no frustration or annoyance- he was simply observing me. 

“What did you say your name was? Darling something?” “Darling O’Connell.” “Is your name really “Darling”?” “Yeah, my mom really liked that movie, Lady and the Tramp.” “And your dad was alright with that?” “Evidently. What about you? What’s your story?” “My mom thought that sending us abroad for our last year of high school would be good experience for university.” “That’s nice! I’ve never gone to school abroad anywhere; sounds fun.” 

“Oh yeah,” he chuckled a tad. “It’s loads of fun, coming to a country with really narrow roads where no one drives, and people ram into you in the street.” I flashed him a sly grin. “I’ve never done that before.” “I find that hard to believe with that wreck you call that bike.” “At least I had a bike. Now I’m officially bikeless.” “It’s a good thing too,” Christian added. “Excuse me?” “That thing was an accident waiting to happen. You’re lucky you crashed into me and not a tree.” “I’ll have you know that I’m an excellent bike rider!” “Oh really? Cause from what I’ve seen……..” 

Christian was interrupted by a loud cough suddenly erupting from my throat. “Hey, you ok?” I detected a hint of concern in his voice. “O-oh yeah,” my own voice was shaky; where the heck did that come from? “Are you cold?” “Uh……” He didn’t wait for me to reply. His strong hand stretched over to check my forehead. I had to admit, this made me blush a little; it was the closest a guy had been to me in a long time. “You feel warm,” Christian announced matter-o-factly. “It’s just a little fever. I’m sure it’ll go away soon.” He looked like he was about to respond before a nurse came out into the waiting area. 

“Mr. Grey?” “Yeah,” Christian stood up. “She has a fever. Can she go ahead of me?” He motioned to me on the couch. “Oh no, that’s ok,” I immediately retorted, only to receive a side glare from Christian. “Um yep, we can take Miss O’Connell, if that’s ok with you.” “Wha-? No. You should go, Christian; you’re just as wet as I am.” “But I don’t have a fever; you do. Go.” “Are you sure?” I bit my lower lip still unsure. “Yes; go, now.” “A-alright,” Christian helped me up on my feet. “Get yourself some Tylenol.” “What’s Tylenol?” With one look back at him, I followed the nurse down the hall and into the doctor’s office. He gave me to the best of his ability a reassuring smile. “I’ll see you inside.” “O-ok, thank you, Christian.” Then the door shut, effectively separating us for the first time in two hours.


	4. Coffee Date?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Christian have some time together in the hospital.

“Here, take this for your fever,” the nurse handed me two pale orange piles. “Ok, thank you,” I immediately swallowed them. “Where’s uh, um Grey; Christian Grey? The guy I came in with.” “He’s in room two. You can go see him after the doctor’s examined you.” Go see him? “Uh, no; that’s ok,” I blurted out rather quickly. I doubt he’d want to see me again; it’s not like we were becoming friends or anything. Irony just had it in for me however when another nurse slid the door open. “The kid next door wants to know if he can join Miss O’Connell,” she told my nurse. “Oh, sure, if that’s alright with you.” 

I blinked dumbfounded. Christian wanted to share a hospital room with me? Why? Without conscious awareness of what I was doing, my head nodded on its own accord. “Ok, I’ll let him know,” the second nurse left the room, followed by my nurse. I was left alone with my mulled thoughts for a few minutes before the door slid open again; Christian’s head popped inside. “Hey.” “Hey,” I said in almost a whisper. “Did they give you something for that fever?” “Yeah.” Just to check if I was telling the truth, he placed his hand over my forehead again. “You still feel warm.” “Since when are you a doctor?” “I’m not,” he sat down on the bed beside me. The room was quiet for a few minutes while we remained like that, side-by-side. Eventually, I gazed over to him a bit shyly. 

“It’s funny, and here I’d thought you’d hate me after…….” “After you crashed into me with your bike and sent me into the canal?” “…….. Yeah, that,” my eyes scrolled down a bit embarrassed; well, when he said it like that…… “It’s not every day a pretty brown-hair girl parks her bike into you,” he cracked a side-grin. “I’m……..” “If you say sorry, I swear to god…….” “You swear you’re not mad?” “Oh no, I’m mad; I’m outright pissed at you. I’ve never wanted to spank anyone before, but you…….” “You want to spank me?” I actually laughed; no one had ever said anything like that to me before. I found it funny more than anything for some reason. Christian looked just as surprised by what he said too, as his expression contorted into a mixture of desire and alarm. “I’ve never said that before……. at least out loud.” “Really?” “Well yeah, I am only seventeen.” “No one’s ever told me that, so I guess this is a first for both of us.” “I guess it is,” and he finally smiled over at me; the first genuine smile I’d seen from him. 

Another moment of silence broke out between us. I let out a soft sigh, breaking the calm quiet. “So why are you here, really?” “Because you knocked me into the canal?” “I mean in my doctor’s office; why are you here, with me?” “Oh,” Christian glanced down at his hands. “I don’t know,” his shoulders shrugged lightly. “You had a fever, and I know you didn’t mean to hit me with your bike; it was an accident.” “Oh,” that didn’t really answer my question. An awkward lull fell over the room, mostly because I didn’t know what to say; my guess is that Christian didn’t either. 

Luckily for us, we didn’t have to wait long for the doctor to come in. “Miss O’Connell?” She addressed me first. “That’s me.” “And you’re Mr. Grey?” “Correct.” “Alright,” the doctor scribbled something down. “And you two fell into the canal, is that right?” “That’s right.” “What happened?” “Uh……..” “It was an accident,” Christian answered for me, making me flinch in surprise. “She was riding her bike and one thing lead to another.” The doctor looked from him to me, thinking to herself before reaching for some equipment. 

“Alright. I’m just going to examine you for injury.” “Her first,” Christian motioned for me. The doctor followed suit and gave me a proper examination; fully clothed, of course. Then she did the same to Christian once she assessed that I was fine. It was over pretty quickly, and the doctor took her leave. “Alright, you guys look fine. I’m going to go give this to the nurse and your guardians will be here soon.” “Guardians?” Christian’s eyebrow rose. “That’s right; they’ll take you home.” And we looked at each other as she closed the door. 

“So…….” “So.” “I guess this is it then.” Christian didn’t answer, just keeping his eyes locked forward. “How long will you be in Amsterdam for?” “A year today.” “Oh……” I guess that was a good sign; I guess……. “Darling?” “Yes?” I immediately perked up. “I don’t really know anyone in the city yet and……..” “Darling!” 

We both turned to see the door shove open. “Uncle?” “Oh, my little Darling!” I found myself in his arms within seconds. “What happened? Are you alright? Did you hurt yourself anywhere?” Pulling me back, he proceeded to give me a quick once over. “I’m fine, Uncle; just a little fever.” “The nurse said you crashed into someone with your bike.” “Uh, yeah; that was me, sir,” Christian raised his hand up. “You?” Uncle blinked over to him. “Who’s this American? You are American, right?” “Yes sir?” “It’s not his fault, Uncle,” I cut in; I could see where this was going from a mile away. “It was my stupid bike. You were right about the brakes; they were shotty.” “So where’s it now?” “Sitting somewhere at the bottom of the canal,” Christian replied, running his hand through his thick hair. “You left your bike in the water?” Uncle turned to face me. “Erm……..?” I shrugged warily. 

“You ok?” Uncle addressed Christian next. “Yes sir.” “Gonna sue my niece?” “Uncle!” “Heh, no sir. But I would like her phone number, just in case I change my mind.” And I blinked at him with wide eyes. Hold on; did Christian Grey just ask for my number? Uncle simply smiled and patted my knee. “Alright, I’ve got to go fill in some paperwork. I’ll meet you in the waiting area.” “Alright, thanks Uncle.” “Nice meeting you, American man.” “Nice meeting you too, sir.” 

We waited until we were alone again before turning to face each other, still sitting on the examination seat. “He’s…… eccentric.” “Thanks; he’s fun to live with.” “At least he wasn’t mad about the whole bike thing.” “……… Are you?” I tried again. “I mean, do you still wanna spank me?” My mouth hastily added without my brain’s permission. Oh god, what did I just say? Spank me? He’s gonna think I’m such a loser! But to my shock, he just stared off into space for a moment considering to himself. 

“Honestly, yes; but not because I’m mad that you hit me.” “Then…… why are you mad?” A brief pause. “Because you rode a dangerous bike in the first place. Seriously, I’m going to have a heart attack every time you mount one now.” “You will?!” My eyes grew. Christian blinked as if to be realizing what he’d just said. “Huh, I have no clue where that came from.” “What?” “Concern for you,” he answered, shining his bright eyes over at me. “Christian………” I just sat there unmoving, staring with gigantic eyes at him- him. This man, this potential “bad boy”…….. he shouldn’t be my type; he wasn’t my type…….. My lips unconsciously parted a little. He wasn’t……..

“Hey, Darling. I know we just met and everything but…….. do you think you’d like to get coffee sometime?” Coffee? With Christian? “Um, I don’t drink coffee,” I said, not thinking of anything else to say right then. I don’t know why but my mind just drew a blank; a solid while wall blank. “Well, what do you like to drink?” “Tea?” “Then we’ll go for tea.” “Really?” My eyes were still wide; really wide. What happened next was extraordinary; at least to me. 

Christian stared at me; simply stared. His eyes were deep and soulful, like sponges soaking in my essence. His lips didn’t say anything but I could see that he was saying a hundred things at once; things I’d never heard before. He was in pain. Something had hurt him, something he carried……. something he was trying to run from. And yet, when he looked at me with those marvellous eyes, he was looking for something good; something to help him, heal him. I was too young to know all this; I know I was too young but still…….. We stared silently, effortlessly into each other’s gazes. And I could see that he was opening up, he was trying to open up. I was brand new; something foreign and exotic. But more than that, I was something he could trust; he wanted to trust. I figured that out, all from only knowing him for almost four hours, I could see…… Maybe that’s because I too carried pain with me; I knew what that burden felt like. And maybe, just maybe someday he’d share that with me. 

I caught myself in that moment and blinked, breaking my train of thought. Wait, someday? I’m thinking like he’ll stick around. But my doubts began to fade as a deep, sincere smile bloomed across Christian’s thick lips. “Yes.” “Yes?” Though I wasn’t asking about tea anymore. As if to be reading my mind, he nodded. “Yes, Darling; whatever you want.”


	5. Tea with Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christian and you get some tea.

I came downstairs in my usual guy-wear. Uncle was on the staircase gazing at some sketches he’d previously drawn. “Off somewhere?” “I’m going to meet Christian; that guy from the hospital.” “You mean the guy you careened your bike into? He asked you out after all that?” “It’s not a date, per se. We’re just getting tea; to get to know each other better.” “He’s American.” “He’s seventeen and I doubt he brought a gun with him to Amsterdam.” “Just be careful, Darling.” “I will,” I came over to give him a peck on the cheek. “Won’t be out late.” “Good girl. Have fun and be safe, baby niece!” “Ok, bye Uncle!” My feet excitedly raced out the front door and down the street. 

Christian and I agreed to meet where we first met; where I crashed into him two days ago. He was already there when I arrived. Huh, I didn’t take him for the punctual type. A gentle grin crossed his face at my entrance. “There she is.” “Hi, Christian.” “Hi. How do you feel today?” “Ok, I guess. And you?” “Alright,” he shrugged. Before saying more, I went to check the water for any sign of my bike, with no success. “You better not be looking for that bike.” “I’m not used to being bikeless; I miss my bike.” “You’ll get another one.” “With what? We have literally no money.” “Well in that case, I’ll buy the tea today.” This made me grin at him, which he mirrored. “Come on, let’s go.” “Alright,” I came over to take his arm, making him flinch in surprise. He gave me one of those looks which I ignored. “This is how gentlemen escort ladies in Europe.” “Do I look like a gentleman to you?” “Not yet, but I’m sure you will be, someday.” “Oh, you’re asking for it,” he chuckled but didn’t retract his arm. 

“So, tell me about you.” “What do you want me to say?” “Tell me about your dreams, your future goals, your likes and dislikes,” I withheld asking about his past, feeling that’s where the source of pain I saw a glimmer in his eyes come from. Christian sighed and gazed forward softly. “Well, as far as my future goals go, I think I want to own my own company one day.” “Really? Is that because you want to make a lot of money?” “Yeah; billions, if I can help it.” I laughed. “And my likes and dislikes? Uh, I guess I like flying.” “In short spans,” I added, and he nodded. “You remembered.” “I did,” my smile deepened. “Go on.” 

“I don’t like smokers or being pushed around. I like having control, I guess.” “Don’t most people?” “Not always. I didn’t have control for a long time……. it’s something I think I want in the future.” “Control of what? Your business?” “Everything,” he retorted with a sly, kind smirk. “Haha, that sounds super boring.” “You think so?” “Yeah; who wants to control everything? Where’s the fun in that?” “Alright, Miss Smartypants. Tell me about you now so I can tease you.” “Me?” “Yes, you.” “Oh boy, where do I start?” “How bout at the beginning?” And I smiled at him; a genuine smile. 

“I was born in England.” “And yet you’re here.” “Yeah. I moved here after…….. well something happened when I was little; I had to move.” “Oh,” Christian let a moment of quiet fall over us, of which I was very grateful. “I’m sorry……..” “Don’t be, it was a long time ago.” “Was it your parents……..?” “N-no, it happened at school……..” another pregnant pause erupted. I didn’t want to talk about it; I didn’t want to think…….. 

Giving my head a hard shake, I turned to flash him a forced smile. “Uh, I don’t wear makeup or cut my hair.” “I can see that,” Christian took the que, letting the topic drop. “I wear only boy clothes and carry a backpack; no purses.” “And yet, you’re still so pretty…….” And I blinked up at him. Christian flinched, again comprehending what he had just said. We had a bad habit of just blurting things out when we were near each other. “T-thank you,” I blushed, tearing my eyes away from his; I was too shy to……… 

“I love Amsterdam, although York is a close second.” “Have you been all over Europe?” “Oh yes, I love travelling.” “Me too,” his lovely grin returned. “And your future goals?” “University, of course; hopefully in England. I want to get a PhD in philosophy.” “Wow! That’s…….. no one I’ve ever met has said that before……. why?” “I love writing; I want to write in academia one day. That’s the goal anyway. Plus I love school; I want to stay in it as long as possible.” “I definitely never heard anyone say that before,” Christian noted wide-eyed. 

It was around this time that we reached the tea shop; my favorite in the city. Christian just kept looking around while we got in line to order. His eyes morphed into sponges again, soaking up everything he saw; he looked like a kid in a candy store. But I wasn’t expecting the surge of bubbles to tingle up from my stomach along my throat when he smiled. The most delighted, most earnest grin bloomed across his lips. He looked happy; he was happy…….. 

“I’d never seen anything like Amsterdam,” Christian said, still looking around main street. We were standing in line outside for a café window. I thought it might be fun to get our drinks and go sit by the ferries. And by the looks of it, he liked this idea too. “So much history, so much personality…….” “Christian,” I whispered, not taking my eyes off him. It felt good…… to see him so happy. I didn’t know another person’s joy could be this…… rewarding. 

“Next!” My concentration was broken by the barista summoning us over. “Oh! Uh, right. What would you like to drink, Christian?” Blinking like his train of thought was also interrupted, he turned to the menu. I was not expecting him to burst out in quiet laughter. “It’s all in Dutch.” “It is?!” I checked back, only to have my cheeks sizzle a bright red. “It is! I’m sorry.” “No problem. Just order me whatever you think I’d like.” “You want me to order for you?” “Didn’t I just say so?” And I snuck in a playful smirk. “What happened to control over everything?” Christian looked at me for a second before grinning, also playfully. “I think I can trust you with this one thing.” “Really?” “Yes.” “Alright then! Two Aloe Vera teas please.” “Wait! I take that back!” “Too late!” I couldn’t help but laugh; even Christian chuckled to himself. 

We made our way to the dock with our drinks in hand. “I gotta say, this taste’s great!” He admitted, drinking his tea rather quickly. “See? I know my teas.” “Ok, you were right,” his eyes rolled. “Now you owe me something.” “Oh really? What?” His eyebrow now rose. “Tell me something else about you.” “Something else…….. like what?” “I don’t know. Um……. what’s your favourite pastime? Do you have any hobbies?” “Aside from partying with my brother and studying, not much. You?” “Oh lots! I love to write.” “Yes, I know,” he chuckled softly. “I also love origami, taking long walks and bike riding, colouring, reading- particularly philosophy and history-, making all different kinds of tea, and going to museums.” “Museums?” “Oh yes! I adore museums. They’re always the first place I go to on vacation, after the tea store,” I added with a smile. 

“I can’t remember the last time I’ve been in a museum.” “Really?! There’s tons here.” “You don’t say?” He grinned down at me. “Which one’s your favourite?” “That would be the castle: the Rijksmuseum.” “Is that downtown?” “Yeah, it’s actually really close to my school. Sometimes when I get out early, I’ll go to the museum without telling Uncle. He thinks I spend way too much time in those places as is; and libraries.” “Well,” Christian took my arm back in his, surprising me a little. “Would you take me sometime?” “R-really?! You want to go to a museum with me? No one ever wants to go with me; I usually end up going by myself.” “Yes,” his arm gave mine a squeeze. “I’d never been in a castle before; might be fun.” “Oh, it is! I adore it and hope you will too!” 

Christian didn’t say anything for a moment, just watching me with those spongy eyes once more. I couldn’t stop myself from blushing slightly, he was staring so intently; sincerely……. “What?” I finally found the courage to ask. “Nothing, I just like the way you looked just now.” “Huh?” “Happy, you looked happy talking about the museum.” “I did?” That never occurred to me. “It’s not a bad thing. I’m just…… not used to it, I guess; from girls anyways.” “Oh……. are the women in your life?” “Something,” he cut me off with a half-pained, half-relieved side smirk. Ok, I can take a hint; talking about the women Christian knows is off-limits. Got it. But still…….

As if to be reading my mind again, Christian’s arm squeezed mine for a second time to draw my full attention back onto him. And he smiled at me; he smiled…….. “I like that look in your eyes back then.” “When I was talking about the museum?” “Yeah; it’s nice to see you love something so much…….. I’m not used to that look,” his own eyes narrowed a tad. “Christian?” This man……. “Yeah?” This poor, poor man……. “Will you come to the Rijksmuseum with me?” “Huh? That’s what I thought we were doing?” “No, I mean……. will you come with me? I want……..” My lips still for a minute. This poor, beautiful man. “I want to see the look in your eyes when we go.” He didn’t respond immediately, opting to stare down at me like he had several times before. My eyes trailed up to meet his and we absorbed the other’s presence, nature……. And he eventually nodded; without words, he answered me. 

I didn’t know it at the time but that nod- that single, solitary nod- was the beginning of the loveliest, most exciting adventure I’d ever been on. One that had to end much too soon for both of us.


	6. The Mere Thought of Her Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elliot finds Christian in mourning.

Six Years before Christian met Anastasia:

'Elliot entered Christian’s office to find him sobbing at his desk. Elliot was the only one Christian let see him cry because he understood, he knew……. Turning on a light, Elliot slowly approached his brother with a forlorn expression. 

“Mom told me you just got back from Amsterdam.” A moment of silence. “I just needed to be close to her; I needed to be near her…….” Christian didn’t look up, continuing to weep uncontrollably. “Christian, bro; are you sure it’s such a good idea for you to go to Amsterdam every year? You always go on the anniversary of her……. I mean she’s been dead for three years. You always come back like……..” “Like my heart’s been ripped out of my chest and torn into a million fucking pieces?” Christian growled, shooting his brother an enraged glare. 

“Darling wouldn’t have wanted this for you. She’d want you to move on, to see other girls……” “Don’t you dare tell me what she wanted; don’t you fucking tell me what Darling wanted for me! She knew me better than anyone! How can I move on?! Finally learn to love another, only to have them yanked out of my life as well? How can I protect another woman if I couldn’t save her?!” 

“It’s not your fault, Christian,” Elliot’s hands went up defensively. “It was an accident.” “That doesn’t matter! I still should have kept her safe…….. what’s the point of loving anyone if you can’t keep them safe?” “I’m sure you’ll watch over the next woman you love…….. You’ll probably be overprotective if anything,” he rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. 

Christian didn’t respond, staring off into nowhere as a fresh batch of tears flooded his eyes. Elliot merely watched him for a resounding moment. “You really miss her, don’t you?” Again, no answer. “But you never even talk about her. You never told Mom and Dad; you never told anyone back home actually. I’m the only one who knows what you’re going through.” “I can’t talk about her,” Christian uttered in a whisper. “It never gets easier…….. they say that time heals all wounds, but it feels like time’s standing still. It never gets……..” Christian’s hand rose up to his tear-soaked face. “Just the mere thought of her name makes me……..” And the soon-to-be billionaire burst out crying uncontrollably again.'


	7. His Ticket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You buy you and Christian tickets for the museum.

Christian stared up at the Rijksmuseum with me at his side. He was wide-eyed; that’s for sure. I merely smiled over at him, glad to see him so…….. enthralled. The moment took it time to savour, giving us ample time to scan over the gorgeous castle. Eventually I turned to look at Christian. “Do you like it?” “Like it…….?” He gasped, still not tearing his eyes away. “It’s the most beautiful building I’d ever seen!” “I’m so glad you like it.” “I love it! I’d only seen places like this in pictures before.” “Wanna go inside now?” I asked when he finally looked at me. “Yeah, I do.” 

The museum was busy, as per usual. Luckily for us, most people had pre-ordered tickets online, meaning that the lines weren’t long. I couldn’t get over the astonishment on Christian’s face the whole way in. He kept glancing every which way, with a particular interest on the high ceiling. I was paying such close attention to him that I almost failed to hear the ticket lady call us forward. 

“Two students please,” I said in Dutch. As if to break his train of thought, Christian finally perked up at this turning back to me. “What? You’re not paying for me,” he sounded a little affronted. “It’s fine; I have a student pass and you get a discount since you’re also a student.” “Uh huh,” his arms crossed defiantly. “Weren’t you the one saying you didn’t have the money for a new bike yesterday?” “Well yeah,” I gave a shy shrug. “But I don’t mind! I asked you to go to the museum; you shouldn’t have to pay.” “I would have come regardless, Darling,” and this made me look at him with growing eyes. 

Christian flinched, as if to realize what he’d just said himself. Boy, we did that a lot around each other. “Um……. what I mean is that I wasn’t expecting you to pay. Just let me pay; my parents send me money.” “How much?” “Enough!” His voice immediately sharpened. “It’s ok, Christian; really. You paid for my tea yesterday and besides, I want this to be a fun experience! Just let me do this, ok?” 

He observed me for a moment with those deep, spongy eyes. It’s odd, I came to understand in that moment. The more he looks at me with those eyes of his; the more I see them……. the more I like them. They were quite lovely, his eyes. Heh, I smiled inwardly. And maybe someday I’d tell him. But for right now, I just wanted to get inside the museum. Christian relented after a long minute, sighing and shaking his head. “Fine, you cover this time. But you’re not doing it again.” “Why not?” I flashed him a playful smirk. “We’re equals here; we’re both unemployed and dependent on our families for cash. You’re not a billionaire yet, Christian.” “Tell me about it,” his eyes did a dramatic roll. “But I’m still gonna pay next time; no arguing.” “Next time?” My eyebrow rose curiously. Did he just say “next time”? 

Christian blinked, clearly thinking about what he’d just insinuated. Did I mention we did that a ton when talking to the other? But then Christian looked at me; just looked at me. His gaze was so honest and sincere in that second that it caught me off guard a little. “If today goes well, which I think it will.” “So…… I’ll cover you this time, and you’ll pay next time?” “Yeah,” and he smiled. Oh, his smile…… “Thanks, Darling.” “No problem.” “No, I mean thank you…… thank you for taking me on this experience. I can’t remember the last time I’d ever wanted to actually go inside a museum. I wouldn’t be doing this…… if it wasn’t……..” 

And I peered over at him with soft eyes now. The tickets had printed by then; not that either of us noticed. “Your tickets, Miss,” the lady said in Dutch. “Uh thanks,” I took them, immediately tearing off Christian’s and holding it out for him. “Christian…….” “Yeah?” The biggest grin bloomed across my face. “Here, I have your ticket.” His ticket…….


	8. The Rijksmuseum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Christian go to the Rijksmuseum.

“What about this one?” “Uh…….” “Or this one?” “Um…….” “This one?” “Erm…….” “How about this one?” “Look, how am I supposed to pick which painting’s my favorite in every room if you don’t let me see them for more than two seconds?” Christian asked me. “Sorry.” We were in one of the calmer rooms inside the museum. From the start, I asked him if he’d like to play a game: where we’d point out our favorite pieces in each section. I guess I was playing too fast which made sense since I’d been here tons of times before. But I had to keep reminding myself that this was all new for Christian. 

After giving me a side-grin, Christian went on to examine each of the works. He finally pointed to one on the back wall. “There, I like that one.” “The Windmill?” “Yeah; short, sweet, and to the point.” Well, I had to give him that; the painting certainly wasn’t…….. overcrowded. I couldn’t help but smile at him. “Ok, the Windmill! It’s a nice painting.” “I’ve never really been into landscape paintings; prefer the real thing. What to next?” “Where would you like to go?” “I chose this room……. before I saw the paintings inside. You pick next.” Gees, for someone who claimed that he’d like to exercise control over everything someday, he sure didn’t have a problem doing what I wanted…….. and I’m not sure that was a bad thing. 

“Are you having fun?” I asked Christian as we left the room and started down the hall. “Yeah, I am actually. Who knew three-hundred-year-old paintings could be so interesting?” “Uh me? And everyone with a fine art major,” I quipped, only to earn a glance from the corner of his eye. “I’ll take that to mean that you’re having a good time too?” “Oh yes! I think you can learn a lot about a person just by going to a museum together.” “Yeah? How’s that?” “Well, take our painting game.” “You mean the game where you’re constantly harassing me about every painting we see? That game?” “That’s the one!” I laughed. “I’ve already learned so much about you just from playing it.” 

“Oh really? Like what?” “Well, I’ve learned that you don’t like hunting; you prefer turkey over duck or goose at Christmas; you don’t know who Krampus is; your favorite meal of the day is breakfast; and you don’t like pets.” Christian stared back at me with the largest stunned eyes, probably because I was right about everything. “How did you……?” “You explained each of your favorite paintings, along with some you didn’t like; I listened.” “Yes, I see you did…….” “See? It’s a fun get-to-know-you game!” “I guess it is.” 

It was around then that we reached one of my favorite rooms. “Oh look, Christian!” My forefinger pointed excitedly. “The pretty dresses exhibit!” “You don’t wear dresses, from what I’ve seen,” his eyebrow raised confusedly. “True but look! There’re lovely flowers on the wall and it used to be a privy chamber for a royal lady.” “A what?” “A private chamber; that’s what they used to call them.” “Flowers, dresses, the color pink……” “What’s wrong with pink?” “Nothing; I’m just taking a wild guess that it’s your favorite color.” “How’d you know that?!” I gasped in surprise. This made him smile; his brilliant smile……. “You’ve pointed out every bit of pink in all the paintings, which granted isn’t much but still.” 

“Oh……. what’s your favorite color?” “Mine?” His eyes rolled up slightly. “Grey, I guess.” “Like your last name. That’s…… an interesting color. Why grey?” “Don’t know; I just like it,” he gave his shoulders a soft shrug. “Fair enough,” I replied as we entered the room. “Christian, look at all the dresses!” They were all white with the odd flowers on the bottom. Christian seemed like he didn’t know what to make of them at first; they were all of eighteenth-century fashion. “Why are the hips so wide?” Leaving my side, he went to survey one further. “They’re supposed to represent a “lady’s hips”,” I immediately joined him again. “Lady’s hips?” “In other words, birthing hips.” “Ah……. oh,” and I could have sworn I detected the faintest shade of pink in his cheeks. And of course, just like always, this was followed by a genuine smile. 

The day went by almost a little too quickly. We spent so long in each room, discussing all the works, that the afternoon just slipped away from us. But the museum kept getting steadily busier like it always did on weekends. Amsterdam is most definitely a tourist city, meaning that places like this fill up each afternoon; weekends were the worst. We reached the largest part of the gallery at the exact wrong time. It was full of people, and I do mean full. This led us to a problem; even if we wanted to skip this section, we’d still have to go through it to continue on. There was no way around. 

“Where the hell did all these people come from?” Christian wasn’t impressed. “It’s Sunday.” “Huh?” “Amsterdam has over three million tourists a year. You just moved here but you’ll see soon that like 70% of people in the city at one time are tourists.” “Oh fantastic,” he huffed already tired of the noise. Neither of us moved for a second before Christian suddenly reached over to grab my hand. I flinched in alarm, but he didn’t give me time to ask. “Come on, let’s go.” “Ah, uh……..” I don’t know why I hesitated; likely because someone hadn’t held my hand in a long time. And I couldn’t tell if Christian felt the same since his grip was really tight…… tight yet tender. 

Without another word, Christian gently tugged me forward into the room, not letting go of my hand the entire time. I passively let him lead, which he was actually pretty good at. He kept pausing every ten seconds to check back to me. “Darling?” “Yep!” That was our call; from them on, if he wanted to check on me, to make sure I was alright and following him, he’d call my name. Simply call my name, and I’d answer without hesitation. 

We got to a particularly crowded patch; so crowded in fact, that our hands accidentally let go. Panic surged through me as I tried not to get pushed back by the waves of people. “Christian? Christian!” My hand waved aimlessly, hoping to clash into a familiar hand in front of me. One guy accidentally nudged me a little too hard and I stumbled back a few steps. My feet only stopped when something took hold of my wandering hand. Within the blink of an eye, Christian yanked me hard towards him. It was so forceful that I opened my eyes to see that we were on the other side of the room. I looked around then back at Christian, who was still holding tightly onto my hand. “Are you ok?” He sounded a little frazzled himself. “Y-yeah,” without thinking, I pulled my hand out of his; he’d been squeezing it really, really tight. “T-thanks, Christian.” “Don’t mention it.” 

With the museum just getting more crowded, we went to the part of the museum with all the statues. That wing was surprisingly quiet, allowing us to take our time in a more relaxed setting. For the first time, we separated to admire the pieces on our own. I noticed Christian’s eyes wandering over to me from time to time, which I only saw because I kept gazing at him. He seemed to like this part of the museum just fine; one piece in particular caught his attention. It was of Aphrodite; naked, of course. I approached him as he stood back, his thumb resting on his chin in a thoughtful fashion. 

“Beautiful, isn’t she?” “If you’re into marble,” he noted quietly. “She’s Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. And that one there,” I motioned for the little winged boy beside her. “That’s her son, Eros.” “How do you know all this?” “I love Greek mythology and I’ve been to Greece.” “You’ve been to Greece?” Christian gazed over at me with a curious expression. “Yes; to Thebes, Athens, and Crete. I learned a lot there……. and also got a lot of books, much to my uncle’s annoyance.” “Huh,” his eyes scrolled back to the statue; I could read that he was thinking on his face. “I want to go to Greece someday,” he said more to himself than me. “You will,” I responded without first thinking. I actually no way to prove that he’d go to Greece one day; I just thought……. no, I knew. He’d get what he wanted, if he wanted it. I knew……. 

Christian looked at me and was about to say something until his phone unexpectedly rang. “Uh, I’m sorry.” “No! No, it’s fine. Go ahead; I’ll keep an eye out,” I added with a wink. He grinned and pulled out his phone. “Hi Elliot…….. no, I can’t; I’m at a museum……… yes, really,” he frowned, and I had to stop myself from giggling. Elliot- that was his brother right? Awe, I grinned inwardly as I watched him talk with his brother. I’m glad he’s not here alone; it’d be really sad if he was thrown into a foreign country for his last year of high school on his own. I’m so happy he’s not alone…….. Without realizing it, I had been biting my lower lip. 

Christian let out a loud dramatic sigh and hung up the phone. “Sorry, that was my brother.” “Is everything ok?” “Huh? Oh yeah; he was wanted to know if he could borrow my motorcycle.” “You have a motorcycle?” My eyes grew. “Yeah; my parents let me bring it over from Seattle.” “That was nice of them.” “It’d be nice if I could drive it on these insanely narrow streets,” he countered with an eye roll. “Maybe what you need is a bike; a peddle bike.” “Ha, like the one you drove into the canal?” “You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you?” And his head gave a tender shake. “Never.” 

We stayed until closing when the security guard finally pushed us out. “Shall we?” Christian held out his arm for me as we exited. “We shall,” I took it, letting him lead me down the street towards the city centre. “I gotta say, that was really fun,” he didn’t let a moment of silence slip in. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.” “Did you have a good time?” “Oh yeah! I love that castle; aside from Versailles, it’s my favorite.” “Versailles? You really have been everywhere, haven’t you?” “Only in Europe,” I corrected with a kind grin. Christian’s arm gave mine a little squeeze. “Where do you live? I’ll walk you home.” “Oh, that’s ok! It’s perfectly safe for me to go home on my own; I do all the time.” “No, I’m walking you home.” “Why?” This confused me. He watched my eyes for a second before blinking in enlightenment. 

“I don’t know, maybe because your favorite color is pink.” “Huh?” “Or that you know who Hippolytus is.” What is he talking about? “Or that you don’t like pears because they make your tongue feel funny.” What is he…….? “Or that you want to read “War and Peace” one day despite it being over 1200 pages long.” He…… My feet came to a screeching halt as I gawked up at him with the biggest eyes. “You…… listened to……. me,” I had trouble constructing a coherent sentence, I was that shocked. “What are you talking about? Of course I listened to you.” “No, I mean all the little things; the things I said about the paintings. You…… paid attention……….” 

Christian didn’t respond right away, instead opting to turn so to face me straight on. “Why does that surprise you?” “Because I said so much; I didn’t think you’d be listening to all of it.” “I’m just doing what you did earlier,” he grinned casually. “…….. no one’s ever done that before.” “Same goes for me.” “Really?” And he burst out laughing. “Why does that surprise you? You just said no one’s done that for you either.” “But you’re so interesting!” I quickly countered. 

This made Christian pause and he looked at me with those classic spongy, absorbing eyes. Neither of us said anything for a moment as we just stared at each other. His lips parted a little, though no sound came out and I felt……. I felt…… it’s almost impossible to describe. I guess the best analogy was music; the softest symphony. Each color in his eyes, each line on his face was its own note, adding to the song that was Christian Grey. It was like he was made up of an endless stream of notes, all coming together to create the loveliest harmony. And I have no idea why, but at that moment, he smiled; wordlessly, effortlessly smiling down at me. And I immediately felt like I was given an enormous present. Something wonderful……. 

“Christian,” my eyes widened in surprise at the sound of my own voice breaking the silence. “Yes?” “I…… I had fun today.” “So did I.” “I think…… we’re officially friends now, right?” A brief pause fell over us as his eyes simply soaked me up. “I know we’re friends, Darling.” “Really?” I think……. His arm proceeded to give mine the most tender squeeze. I think he might be something wonderful……… “Yes,” his lovely eyes softened gently. “You know, Darling; you said I’m interesting, but I don’t feel that way. Not when I’m with you. You’re the interesting one; you’re the one full of experience, opinions, and knowledge……..” His lush lips parted a tad as he drew in a deep, quiet breath. “I want to be your friend; I’d never felt that way about anyone before,” my eyes grew as he admitted. “I want you to show me more, teach me……. be my friend, Darling.”


	9. Lunch at School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and your friends discuss your weekend's events over lunch.

My friends listened very intently while I relayed the previous days’ events at lunch. Needless to say, they found it very interesting. “Seriously?! You crashed into him with your bike?” Sara was both horrified and thrilled. “Yeah…….” “And you still went to the museum together after the whole hospital trip?” Farah asked. “Yep.” “Huh, cool.” “Do you have a picture of him?” “Um,” I pulled out my phone. “Here’s one of us at the castle.” All three of my gals leaned in for a good look, only for their eyes to widen. 

“So that’s Christian Grey…….” “Whoa, Darls! You won the jackpot!” “He’s totally hot! Almost as hot as Ajax.” “Oh, he looks alright, but you should see the personality this guy has! He’s funny and clever and strong and charming and……” “Wait, hold on; did you say “see the personality this guy has”?” Sara’s eyebrow raised. “Isn’t that supposed to be for something else?” Amy grinned. “Yes, yes, I know! But it’s true; he’s wonderful to be around,” I sighed, resting my cheek on the palm of my hand. 

They looked at each other with those knowing faces; like when you know something is happening or about to happen. “So, when will you see him again?” “I don’t know. We didn’t talk about it.” “Boy, I didn’t think you’d get a boyfriend so fast.” “Yeah; you’re the first in our last year of high school.” “Awe! Your last high school boyfriend,” Farah cooed. “Boyfriend?” I blinked in surprise. “He’s not my boyfriend; we’re just friends.” “What are you talking about?” “That was totally a date you guys went on.” “What? No, it wasn’t. I don’t date guys I don’t know.” “You know Christian; you just said you were friends.” “We are now; we weren’t exactly before the museum and we’re still getting to know each other……..” 

“So, you haven’t kissed him yet then?” Amy’s grin sharpened. “Certainly not!” I didn’t just sound scandalized; I was scandalized. What a question! “I would have,” Sara playfully nudged me in the side. “He’s fiiiiiiiiiine.” “Christian is a good guy. He listens to me and likes art and has opinions and insight.” “And you want to wait to lock that in why?” “We’re fine just being friends right now; at least I am. Let’s just wait and see what happens,” my thumb twiddled. “I have a feeling a lot will happen,” Farah noted gleefully. “Maybe,” I retorted with a side-smirk. 

As if irony still had it in for me, my phone vibrated on the table. I peered down to see Christian’s name on the screen. Huh, I really should set that castle pic as his image, I thought picking it up. The message read: [Christian: Hey, how’s school going?] An instinctive smile bloomed across my face which was immediately noticed. “Who’s it from?” Sara asked, glancing over my shoulder. “Christian.” “Didn’t you say he goes to that fancy English school downtown? The one all the Americans go to?” “Yeah. Guess his parents didn’t send him all this way just to go to public school.” “What’s wrong with our schools?” Amy frowned. “Nothing; absolutely nothing.” 

[Darling: It’s good, just having lunch with my friends. How do u like ur new school?] He took a moment to reply. [Christian: It’s different; I’m used to private schools but this is something else. Listen, I wanted 2 ask if ur doing anything 2night] “What’s he saying?” Farah asked me. “He asked if I’m doing anything tonight.” “Ooooooooh! And what are you going to text back?” “Mmmmmmm,” I considered it for a minute. [Darling: I’m free] His response was quicker this time. [Christian: Great. How ‘bout a walk? U can show me that bookstore u ranted 2 me about yesterday] 

[Darling: Can we go 2 the candy store 2?] “Really?” Sara eyed me unimpressed. “What? I’m almost out. Besides, they got a huge selection of American candy there.” “Does he even eat candy?” “……… only one way to find out.” [Christian: Fine, we can pop by there if u want] [Darling: Lovely! Wanna pick me up around 6?] [Christian: Sure. See u then] “Gee, Darls; it’s only been a day and you’re already seeing him again.” “Just friends; I’m telling you, we’re just friends.” 

“Who’s your friend?” An inward groan erupted inside me at the familiar voice coming up from behind. All my friends saw him first, perking up slightly. “Ladies.” Oh god, why? I didn’t want to look; I already could feel him too close for comfort. Ajax came up behind my chair, placing his broad hand on its top. “Hi, Ajax,” Farah was the first to greet him; thank god, otherwise he would have expected it to be me. But my relief was short-lived as I gazed over my shoulder to see him leering down at me with a toothy grin. Ugh. “Hey, beautiful. Have a good weekend?” “Boy, did she,” Amy gave Sara a playful look; Sara didn’t look so amused. 

“That’s good. Hey, you, me; we’re gonna have a talk over here.” Ajax pointed his gross finger at me. “No thanks, I’m good.” “I don’t remember asking. Come here, babe.” I gazed back to my friends for help. Farah motioned for me to follow him, Amy pointed to my phone, and Sara just frowned folding her arms. Gee, thanks guys, I relayed with my eyes. “Waiting over here,” he called like the entitled moron he was. “Just go,” Farah whispered. “He might not leave until you do…….” Sara added bitterly. “What about Christian?” Amy asked. “I’ll handle it,” I reluctantly got up and made my way over to the empty desks he was standing beside at the window. He flashed me one of those “I’m overly-confident” grins. 

I stayed a distance of a desk length, keeping my arms tight around me. Ajax eyed me up and down before propping himself up against the window ledge and smirking. “Shit, are you gorgeous.” “What do you want, Ajax?” Flattery would get you nowhere with me. “I want us to spend a little more time together.” “I don’t think so,” I stated flatly. “Here’s the thing,” he continued, like he didn’t know what the word “no” meant. “I think that if you just gave me a chance, you’d learn that I’m a nice guy.” You? Nice? I had too much class to say that out loud, though I was tempted. Instead, I tried my best to repress a smile. 

“Ajax, it would never work. You don’t know anything about me.” “Sure I do; you’re one of the hottest girls in school. And you don’t even wear makeup, which makes you even more hot. If all makeup disappeared tomorrow, you’d still be a ten.” “Ok,” I had to look down; this was getting ridiculous. “Look, I’m flattered but I’m just really not interested.” “Yeah, and what about what I want?” “Excuse me?” Since when was that any concern of mine? Did I miss the memo on that one? Of course he didn’t say anything right away, taking a moment to scan me up and down again. Uh, hi? I’m not a pinup calendar for you to ogle. 

“What is it about you?” “What?” This caught me off guard. “There’s something about you. The more you push me away, the more I want……. there’s something; I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s there.” He’s clearly not getting the message, I frowned. “The answer’s no, Ajax. And it’s not gonna change; I’m sorry.” “It might change, one day.” “Why are you doing this?” I’d had enough. Why couldn’t he just take “no” as an answer like every other sane person? “Because no matter how hard I try, I can’t leave you alone; that’s why.” 

“Oh gross!” I actually had to open my mouth, that was so repulsive. What’s wrong with him? Can’t leave me alone? Does he know what stocking is? It wasn’t romantic; it wasn’t flattering- it was downright creepy. “Ajax, don’t ever say anything like that to me again,” I’m done with trying to be nice about it. This was getting way out of hand. “Why?” To my utter horror, a sly grin crept along his thick pale lips. “Because you like it? Because it makes you feel weird inside?” “Stay away from me,” this is too much. Without hesitation, I spun around to march away. Screw him! “Hey, don’t worry, babe!” He called out after me in that same cocky, arrogant voice. “We got all year to figure it out.”


	10. Candy Store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christian comes to take you out.

“Christian?” Anastasia found him sitting on the side of his bed with his head in his hands. “What’s going on? What’s wrong, darling?” “Don’t call me that,” he heaved. “Don’t ever call me that!” 

Darling………

“Darling?” “Yep!” I was busying myself over at the bulk candy section. Candy shops clearly weren’t Christian’s thing, but he still came here without complaining about it for my sake. He scanned the American candy aisle with disdain. “You know, you can get all of this for a fourth the price back home.” “Uh huh, and how much Dutch candy do you get over there?” “……… none.” “See?” My bag was full of red sour belts- my favorite. “Is this really the best candy store in Amsterdam?” “That I’ve found anyways,” I went to pay and opened my bag, pulling out a small cake. 

“Here, open.” “What is it?” Christian eyed it a tad suspiciously. “Just try it; it’s delicious.” Keeping his gaze on me, he did as instructed and I put the little cake inside his mouth. He chewed for a solid minute before his eyes lit up in delighted surprise. “Holy crap! That is good! What is it?” “It’s a mergpijipje; a marzipan-covered vanilla cake. I love marzipan.” “I’ve never had it before; it’s great!” And Christian finally had that glow of a “child in a candy store” I hope he’d had. Obviously this was immediately followed by a smile and he offered me his arm. “Shall we?” “We shall!” I took it, letting him lead me out of the store to main street. 

I’m sure he didn’t know where he was going but I let him lead because I was still fiddling with my bag, trying to close it. Christian took the opportunity to scan over what I bought. “You cleared out their red belt container, I see.” “They’re my favorite; them and rose chocolate.” “Rose chocolate?” “You know those chocolates with the caramel or mint fillings? Imagine that with rose fondant.” “That sounds……. gross.” “Oh no! It’s wonderful; that’s my favorite chocolate combo.” “Hmmmmm,” he considered for a second, licking his lips softly. “Can you get them here?” “Not that I can find,” I sighed sadly. “When I lived in the UK, I loved going to York; partly for their fantastic castle museum and because they had rose chocolate. We’d go there after I graduated a grade or on my birthday; special occasions.” 

“You don’t talk about your time in the UK much,” Christian noted in a soft tone; I could tell he was trying to be delicate about the situation. “I wasn’t there……. for very long,” my eyes stayed glued to the ground. This was definitely uncomfortable for me; not because it was Christian, I never talked about it with anyone. I wasn’t used to talking about it. Uncle and I had an unspoken agreement never to bring it up. It was just too…… painful. The man holding my arm seemed to catch onto this but still couldn’t quash his interest completely. He waited a much-needed second before continuing with caution. 

“Is your uncle your legal guardian?” “Yes, since the age of six.” “Is that when you moved to the Netherlands?” A brief pause. “Yes.” “Have you been back to England since?” “…….. a couple of times.” Another lull in the conversation. “You don’t want to talk about it, do you?” “No,” short, sweet, and to the point. No- just no. Christian nodded and glanced forward. “You smile, but you carry a lot of pain with you.” “Yeah…….” My eyes lowered a tad. “But maybe that’s part of the reason I do smile……. I know what real pain feels like, meaning that I’m able to truly enjoy the little things. Anything that isn’t painful……..” Christian didn’t say anything after that, but I did notice his grip on my arm tighten. 

We walked in silence until we reached townhall, the bustling square at the heart of Amsterdam. I smiled at Christian as he let me take the led from here. He meanwhile, kept glancing around with those wide spongy eyes of his. “This is incredible……..” He uttered under his breath. “I’m so glad you like Amsterdam.” “I didn’t know it was like this; I didn’t know anywhere was like this. Hey, didn’t we “meet” near here?” “Yeah, one of the canals in that direction,” I pointed north towards the cathedral. Seeing the opportunity, I chose to be cheeky for a moment, sending a side-smirk to Christian. “Still want to spank me?” And he looked at me, first stunned then cockily. 

“Only if you ever get on a bike again.” “Does that mean we’ll never go bike riding together?” “You think I’d ever bike with you?! Sorry, I only want to be knocked into the canal once.” “I am a good bike rider; I live in Amsterdam, after all. I just…… need a good bike.” “Fine; if you ever somehow manage to get your hands on two bikes in perfect condition, we’ll talk.” “Alright! It’s a deal then.”


	11. Listening to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You read to Christian.

No One’s P.O.V.- 

She’s like a friken picture, Christian gazed over to Darling as she quietly scanned the titles in the philosophy section. Every movement betrays her; he’d barely known her for a week and yet, he could already tell her apart in a crowded room. There were times when he found himself wondering if she really was human. Everything about her- this mysterious English girl- was distinguishable to Christian. The jesters of her small hands, the colors in her eyes, the sweet smell of her hair. Even a pace, a glance, the very way she moved her head; it all set her apart. Little things that Christian had never noticed in anyone before, they made her a work of art. A living, breathing portrait. Or at least, that’s how Christian saw her. 

Darling’s P.O.V.- 

I looked over from the bookshelf to see Christian watching me. His eyes were wide like sponges again, although I wasn’t expecting him to be soaking up my essence in that moment. Still, the inside of me gave a little excited leap. It was nice to see him look at me like that; like he was painting my picture into his mind……. 

When he saw that I had noticed him, Christian straightened up and came over beside me. He scanned the books once over, resting his finger on his chin thoughtfully. “So many philosophers…….” “I know, it’s hard to choose just one.” “I don’t know how you can read this and not fall asleep,” he pulled one book off the shelf to slim through it. “It’s not boring,” I countered with a grin. “I love reading philosophy.” “You must, otherwise you wouldn’t want a PhD in it,” he put the book back. 

“Have you ever actually read any philosophy before?” “I just get the Cole’s notes version,” he sent me a playful smirk. “That doesn’t count! You might like it if you gave it a chance.” “Well maybe. Who’s your favorite philosopher?” “Mine?” I turned back to the bookshelf ponderingly. “I’d have to say Albert Camus; I’m a staunch absurdist, nihilist, and of course existentialist.” “Huh?” “You don’t want to know,” I broke out in a laugh. “We’re much too young for depressing stuff like that anyways. Here, here’s my favorite book,” my hand proceeded to pull out a blue-covered paperback. 

“The Tao of Pooh?” Christian’s eyebrow rose unsure what to make of my pick. “Yeah! It’s super good. I think of all the books I’ve ever read, this and the Myth of Sisyphus were the two ones to truly change my life.” “Taoism?” He took the book from me, reading the back with his curiosity growing. “What’s Taoism?” “An ancient Chinese religion and philosophy. While I’m not a Taoist in the religious sense, I do love Taoist philosophy. Aside from existentialism, it was the first philosophy to ever make sense to me.” “Yeah, but this is about Winnie the Pooh. What’s that got to do with philosophy?” “Oh lots! Winnie the Pooh is one of the deepest, most profound movies I’d ever seen. He’s perfect for describing Taoism.” “Oh,” Christian looked down from the book to me; his eyes were spongy yet again, making me- of course- smile. 

But to my mild surprise, he didn’t say anything right away; just kept watching me with those absorbing eyes of his. “What?” I finally had to ask after a minute or two. His head shook, though he didn’t move his stare off me. “Nothing, I just remembered how interesting you are to listen to.” I have no clue as to why, but I actually laughed out loud at this, not taking into account that he was serious. Christian was definitely not impressed, instantly frowning. “Why would you laugh at something like that?” “No, no; it’s not that,” my hand waved up and down. “I just thought I was boring you; that’s all. Everyone else thinks philosophy is super boring; even you weren’t enthusiastic to read it.” 

Christian watched me for another second before handing the book my way. This made me blink in confusion at him. “You’re right; I do think philosophy would be boring to read. But I’d listen……. if you read to me.” Wait…… “You……. want me to read to you?” “Only if you want.” “Well, ok,” I’d never give up an opportunity to share the wisdom of Benjamin Hoff. But for the sake of Christian’s sanity, I had to add in a proviso. “Just tell me if you get bored or tired; I’ll stop reading.” “I’ll let you know,” he said, leading me to a set of armchairs by the window. We were on the fourth floor so the view was quite nice. Christian was gazing out at it while I opened the book and began to read: “You see, Pooh,” I said, “a lot of people don’t seem to know what Taoism is…….” “Yes?” said Pooh, blinking his eyes. “So that’s what this chapter is for- to explain things a bit.” 

What should have been a few minutes of reading ended up being over two hours. The time just flew by; I honestly didn’t realize how long it had been. It felt like half an hour, it went by so fast. And yet, in that brief period of time there in our corner of the bookstore, it felt as if we somehow managed to separate into our own little bubble. Christian didn’t say a word the whole time; his eyes were locked outside the window with his mouth resting in his hand. Despite this apart aloofness, I knew he was listening; pausing only twice, he glanced over at me to check and I continued. 

Something weird happened near the end of the two hours. Christian was listening to me and yet……. I could tell by the way he looked out of the window, the way he sat in his chair, that he was deeply lost in thought. I don’t know what he was thinking about; probably the material. And yet, there was more; much, much more. Memories flashed repeatedly through his eyes as he contemplated everything- what he believed, how he thought the world worked, what his own personal philosophy was, and so on. I’d never seen enlightenment happen in anyone else, but I knew what it felt like; to learn something that would change your life forever. But the expression Christian wore gave him away- he wasn’t just listening to me, he was experiencing…… 

I would have finished the whole book and was nearly a third of the way done when a security guard finally approached us. The interruption was so sudden and unexpected that both of us literally jumped in our chairs. The security guard seemed startled for a minute before clearing his throat. “I’m sorry but the store’s closing now.” “It is?” We gasped in unison, each checking our phones for confirmation. Whoa, nine o’clock already; how’d that happen? 

The security guard didn’t push us any further. He merely grinned and went downstairs. Christian and I looked at each other before he stood up and stretched. Then he offered me a hand up. Neither of us said much, or anything. There really wasn’t much to say at the moment. I put the book back and Christian waited for me on the staircase; we went down together. 

Exiting the building, we found that it was already dark out. Well, I guess that wasn’t much of a surprise since we were by the window the whole time. Still, I couldn’t help but be surprised by how late it was. I didn’t know time could go that quickly, and judging by the look on Christian’s face, neither did he. Arm-in-arm, we strolled down the streets towards my apartment in silence. I think we were both thinking to ourselves at the moment. It wasn’t an awkward silence though; more a peaceful calm than anything. When we got near my building however, Christian finally gazed over at me. “Darling……..” “I know,” he didn’t say more and he didn’t need to; I knew. 

Arriving at my place, we unlocked arms and turned to face each other. Christian’s lips parted a bit and his eyes lowered softly. “Thank you…….. thank you,” he said the second time in a whisper. I smiled; a tender, genuinely heart-felt smile. “Thank you, Christian. I had a really good time.” Instead of saying that he did as well, his eyes grew slightly as his expression changed once again. “What?” I felt like I was asking for the millionth time, which I did not mind at all. “Has anyone ever told you before that your smile is like a work of art?” “Oh, come on. I didn’t think you were that kind of guy, Christian.” “No, what I mean is…….. your smile has character, depth to it. It’s like art because you’ve worked at it; you’ve struggled through the tears. It’s something real; a real smile.” 

I……. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. My eyes were so wide that they felt like they were going to fall out of my face. This, for some reason, made Christian smile; a real smile of his own. “Darling…….” “I know,” I replied in a whisper. I know…….. “Will you read to me again?” “Huh?” “Read to me again,” his grin deepened in the most hopeful, most hopeless way. “I learn a lot about you when you read……. but I think I learn more about myself, listening to you.”


	12. She Comes in Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christian leaves you a sticky note.

The September days went by quickly, but the weeks passed slowly if that makes any sense. Even if it doesn’t, that’s how I honestly felt; time was going by insanely fast and at a snail’s pace. Christian and I spent every free moment we could together, which wasn’t easy considering we went to different schools. On top of which, we were in our last year of high school, meaning that we had tons of homework. Still, we spoke every day; either in person or on the phone- we were always texting. 

On top which, Christian would sometimes slip sticky notes or candy bars through our mail slot. His school started an hour before mine and he took the long way often to stroll by my building; I was usually still asleep. I’d wake up and come downstairs to find a yellow sticky note waiting for me on the entrance mat. Most were wishing me a good day and asking if I was free that night. I smiled; I thought my obsession with sticky notes- I used them for everything- was only mine. But knowing I’d like them, Christian started using them too; to my utter delight. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one leaving little things area for me to find. Much to my horror and dismay, Ajax began putting stuff on my desk. Nothing offensive; one morning it was a flower and the other a paper heart. Needless to say, I was annoyed. When Christian did it, it was charming. He knew what I liked and used that to please me. But Ajax just left what he thought any girl would like. And yes, I do love flowers but that’s not the point. Ajax didn’t know I liked flowers because he’s never asked me. He wasn’t like Christian; no one was like Christian……. 

By the beginning of October, my friends started to notice too. Sara one day commented on how my cheeks were always glowing now, even though I wasn’t aware of it. Farah complained that I spent all my time with Christian and barely hung out anymore; not true, I saw them every day all day at school. And Amy was super jealous and happy for me, despite me consistently telling her that we’re just friends. The only one who ironically stayed in the dark about this- and not by design- was Ajax. He had absolutely no clue that Christian existed, though I’m sure he’d definitely have something to say about it if he knew. And that’s true, even though Christian and I aren’t dating! Christian knew about Ajax and was thoroughly unimpressed, seeing his attempts at “flirting” pathetic. 

Life was just better with Christian in it. He was insanely easy to be with, to talk to; our conversations happened naturally all the time. I read to him often. Once we finished the Tao of Pooh, we moved onto such books like the Tao Te Ching, Meditations, and the Art of War. He was particularly interested in the Prince, which I could understand. We went out on walks and various places together. Yes, Christian added a zest to life, and he openly said the same about me. He said that he didn’t know women could be like me- whatever that meant. 

Maybe I should give an example. One morning in early October, I came downstairs to find a familiar yellow note resting on the doormat. Smiling, I instantly went to read it, already knowing who it’s from. Christian’s handwriting was distinctive, lovely……. It read in dark blue ink: 

D-Dianne  
A-Amaranth   
R-Rose  
L-Lilac  
I-Indigo  
N-Navy Blue  
G-Gold

Just like a rainbow, you come in colors

A fresh smile bloomed across my lips. Christian cared about his masculine image and yet, he could be so sweet……. Sweeter than I think he realized he could be. Tucking the note away in one of my textbooks, I grabbed my breakfast before heading off to school. 

Imagine my dismay to find yet another sticky note waiting for me on my desk at school. Oh god, I inwardly cringed. And this morning was going so well……. You can guess who this one was from. It read in sloppy pencil: Liked that top U had on yesterday; U look sexy in pink. Ugh! Talk about lack of charm, I crumpled it up in my hand taking in a deep breath. 

It’s amazing, isn’t it? Two boys do the same thing for me and yet, one is lovely while the other is downright disgusting. Christian’s notes were thoughtful, sentimental; they were so because he knew me. He knew what I liked, what I wanted to hear. Ajax couldn’t be more different. He was trying to court me without even knowing anything about me. I reached into my bag to grab Christian’s note from this morning, bringing it near to my chest after re-reading it. Christian was different, unique…… He took the time to get to know me, and I never realized how much I appreciated it. He called me colorful, but he…… he was just like a rainbow too, and not just a grey one.


	13. Christian's Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christian and Anastasia watch Titanic.

Anastasia made Christian watch Titanic with her one night. She curled up next to him on the couch with his arms wrapped around her. It was the ending scene where Rose died and went to meet Jack in heaven when she started to cry. “Ana?” Christian gazed down at her. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing; she just loved him so much and he waited for her in heaven all this time…….” By the way she said this, it sounded like she took this to be a good thing. 

Christian didn’t say anything for a moment, turning back to the screen with thoughtful, spongy eyes. He hadn’t shown those kinds of eyes in a long, long time. “Jack’s implied to be her true love; her soulmate…… and yet she married and had children with another man. She never even told anyone about him.” “Of course she married someone else,” Anastasia retorted like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “She was seventeen when Jack died.” Seventeen……. 

He waited another second before replying, still considering to himself. “So…… do you think Rose did the right thing? Marrying a man who wasn’t her soulmate and never telling anyone about Jack?” “Yeah, I mean I would have,” he was surprised by how quickly Anastasia admitted this. “Just because she still loved Jack doesn’t mean that her life was over. And she has a second chance with him in heaven now.” “You don’t think that’s emotional cheating, what she did?” “Well, what else is she gonna do? Be alone for the rest of her life? She was only seventeen, after all.” Only seventeen…… 

Christian merely glanced back at the screen to watch the young Rose take Jack’s hand; they sure did look happy to be back together. In that moment, he felt a kinship, an understanding with the character Rose. Like him, she kept her most beloved a treasured secret in her heart all her life. No one felt sorry for her husband watching the movie, even though Rose’s husband would have to watch his wife and the mother of his children with another man in heaven. They were only seventeen when they parted…… Christian closed his eyes. “They look so happy,” he heard himself say, though his eyes were still shut. 

“Yes, they found each other after all this time,” Christian’s wife responded. “Do you think it really works like that though? Do you think…… such a thing is possible?” He was almost afraid to ask, and even more afraid to hear the answer. He didn’t dare open his eyes. “I think so; if you really love someone that much.” Christian’s mouth opened a little. I hope you’re right, he thought as his lips morphed into a sorrow yet hopeful grin. Please…… please be right. I don’t mind being Rose, if she’s my Jack. I’d give anything……. The image of seventeen-year-old Darling popped into his mind. 

I’d give anything for us to have the same ending.


	14. Seeing Clearly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Christian have a little talk.

“Ok, which one do you like down this street?” Christian and I were strolling along the many streets of Amsterdam’s city centre. Each street we went down, we’d point to our favorite house; I liked the brick ones while Christian leaned more towards the yellow and blue. “That one,” he pointed to a corner house. This one was made of brick for once. “Oooooh, good choice! Very nice location.” He grinned down at me. “You can find the fun in everything, can’t you?” “Well, like Mary Poppins says; a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” “Haha, being with me is like taking medicine?” “Very good-tasting medicine,” I gave Christian’s arm a playful squeeze.

We reached the castle after turning the next corner. Christian knew I loved it there and since I let him take the lead, we usually wound up there. Fine by me! I happily let him guide me into the castle gardens where we found a bench. We’d spent many a good hour reading in this garden, but I didn’t bring a book this evening. On nights such as this, we’d converse instead. Christian brought me to a grey stone bench near the oak trees I adored. He let me sit down first before plopping down beside me. 

Neither of us said anything at first while we gazed at the flowerbed in front of us. Then I grinned over at Christian. “No matter how many times we come here, I never get bored.” “Yeah, me too,” he nodded. “I don’t know what it is, but everything always looks fresh, new whenever I’m with you……. if that makes any sense.” And I couldn’t stop myself from blushing a deep red. “Yes…… it does.” 

A quiet moment slipped between us, staying that way until Christian rested his elbows on his knees leaning forward. “It’s funny. I wasn’t keen on leaving America; I didn’t want to move for my last year of school,” he admitted in a soft tone. “I can understand that,” I nodded. “I’d never been to Europe before; I’d never been anywhere,” his eyes scrolled down to the ground in a thoughtful manner. “To be honest, I really wanted to go overseas either. I was content where I was, back in Seattle.” “I can also get that.” 

Christian was silent for a second before smirking and giving his head a small shake. “But then……. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know; I don’t know. Boy, was I dumb.” “What do you mean? Your super smart, Christian,” I blinked over to him in surprise. “You’re smarter than me,” I added honestly. He chuckled, still not looking up. “No, Darling. You’re the first person I’ve ever said this to, but I can’t hold a candle to you.” “What? That’s not true!” “Oh, but it is. You’re so much smarter than I’ll ever be……..” 

The way he said this……. which such sincerity and earnestness, I thought that he actually believed it. There was no hint of sarcasm or attitude to say otherwise. And to be honest, I didn’t know how to reply. What was I supposed to say if he…….. I decided to go the cheeky route because I had no clue what else to do. I grinned peering up to the endless blue sky. “You are very smart. You know who Descartes is, and how Pythagoras came up with his theorem.” “I only know that because you told me,” he retorted flatly. “Yeah, but I only know that because I read it. I’m not smart, Christian; or at least, I don’t feel smart.” He didn’t reply; just kept staring off into space considering. 

I watched him, then smiled back up to the sky. It was so high and beautiful…… “That’s the one thing I’m sure I know- that I don’t know.” And Christian finally looked up at me as I continued, though he didn’t say anything. “I went to Malaga last year, when I was sixteen years old. My uncle let me spend a weekend down there by myself in a hostel.” “He let you go alone!?” Christian sounded scandalized. “Yes. Uncle knows that I have a ton of rules for myself; so many that he doesn’t have to give me any. He trusts me……..” And he nodded. “Go on.” 

“I remember walking along the beach on Saturday morning; it was my first morning there. I sat down on this concrete ledge separating the sidewalk from the sand, and I gazed out at the water; just looked at it……..” I paused for a moment, remembering fondly to myself. A grin drew across my lips. “I realized that I had no clue what kind of fish were swimming in front of me, and how many there were, if there were any. Heh, and I remember feeling truly, truly stupid in that moment; ignorant. I saw how much I didn’t know about anything; I don’t know anything. That was my first time experiencing the Illusion of Knowledge.” “Ah, I remember you reading to me about that,” Christian nodded understandingly. 

“I thought it’d be a real bad experience but…… instead I just remember feeling pure potential, like a newborn baby. Sure, I’m ignorant of so, so much, but the way I see it, that means I’m just like a blank slate. My mind’s like an empty sponge, ready to soak in new information; it’ll never stop absorbing. It’s a fascinating feeling really……. like a piece of clay with nothing but potentiality to mould it.” Christian looked at me and I him; our eyes locked onto each other’s. “My mind’s more potentiality than actuality, Christian. And it’ll always be; there’ll always be more that I don’t know than do. That’s one thing I do know,” I gave a cute shrug with a happy smile. “It’s not much, but at least it’s something.” 

Christian didn’t mirror my gleeful expression. Instead his broad hand reached over to take mine in his. I gazed down at it to him with puzzled eyes. That wasn’t meant to be a sad story; it’s actually a really pleasant memory for me. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad for me. He confused me even more when his eyes rolled down again. “Darling……..” “Yes?” His lips pressed together for a moment. “Don’t ever say you’re not smart again. I never want to hear that again.” “W-why?” This caught me off guard. “It’s true.” “No, no it’s not.” “Christian, I…….” “Darling, you make me see so much. It’s not true, and I don’t ever want I hear talk like that again, understood?” His gaze finally came up to meet mine; his wide, spongy eyes…… 

“I’m hurt, Darling. Something……. something happened to me in the past.” “I know, Christian,” my hand tightened its grip. Christian blinked but didn’t seem too surprised. He never told me anything- yet. But I knew; I could see the suffering behind his eyes. The way he spoke, even the way he moved…… I could tell. We both carried heavy scars with us, wounds which we didn’t talk about. And I wasn’t about to ask him to change that. Not Christian……. I cared for him too much. 

His lower lip quivered as he squeezed my hand back. “It really hurts. There are times when I think I’ve gotten over this shit, and then something happens and it all comes crashing back,” Christian whimpered and I thought for a moment that he was going to cry. I didn’t say anything, just continued to hold his hand. “My vision……. my vision’s always so cloudy; the pain blinds me…….” “I know…….” My eyes lowered sadly. I knew exactly what that felt like; I knew…… “It’s so cloudy, I can barely see,” he went on. “It wasn’t until I saw you…… everything was blurry until you came alone.” “Christian?” I asked in a very quiet voice. “Don’t you get it, Darling? I could be having the worst of days, unable to see anything. But the moment I see you, everything suddenly changes. Clarity……. I can see clearly, when I see you.”


End file.
